Love, Actually

In a world that can be both guarded and fearful, I’ve learned to really appreciate rawness and vulnerability. In fact, I fall a little bit in love with anyone who comes to me as they Are; unveiled, real and bearing their soul. It’s as if their openness somehow creates an environment for all around them to do the same; giving me, and everyone else who’s life they graciously enter, the permission to simply be. 

It’s in the presence of these special souls, in this space of authenticity, that I’m able to learn the most about myself. Quietly noticing the patterns of my mind, reservations that prevent me from giving myself fully, and the plethora of yesterday’s ideas that are no longer contributing to Who I Am in this moment. I’d be lying if I said that this process of self-reflection comes easily. And believe me, it would be unrealistic to expect a year and a half of travel (no matter how transformative) to erase a lifetime of imprints and conditioning. Perhaps the greatest adaptation in my world comes in regards to my perception of love and connection. After all, it was I who spent the majority of my life believing that without a soulmate, I would fail to be complete. I fell victim to all the misconceptions that put restrictive parameters on how a relationship needed to look. I trusted the unrealistic definition set by society that told me love meant being exclusive to one single person for my entire lifetime. And (ashamedly) I bought into the common belief that without a sparkly commitment, it’s not an exchange to be dearly cherished.

However, I now know different because, since leaving Canada, I have experienced different. I have developed a new definition of love that better reflects my truth; not because of what I was told it needed to look or act like, but because of the way it made me feel. A kind of love that is not made for the lights and stage, but instead, to remind me of a feeling I’ve spent my whole life trying to put into words. 

I’ve said over and over, that when it comes to connection (or, what I like to call soul recognition), I believe time is completely irrelevant. Love knows no clock time or calendar dates and, contrary to what I used to think, can never be measured in years passed or anniversaries celebrated. I’ve spent the past eighteen months with an incredibly open heart unto the world. And I can say with honesty, that I’ve felt my heart beat with the same degree of adoration, longing, and awe for humans that I only just met as it once did for someone I spent years of my life sleeping beside. I’ve had glitter curse throughout my veins and butterflies tickle my stomach for men who were born in different countries, well outside my age bracket, and (most recently) an unforgettable soul who spoke very little English; proving to me that the language of love goes far beyond the confines of what words could ever express. It was from him that I heard everything I needed in the silence. I felt a tenderness in his every touch. I could see the admiration in his eyes each time our gaze met. And without ever having to say it, I knew that he would instantly stop his world to celebrate my magic; and, for him, I would do the same. I could appreciate the absolute perfection of Who He Is without feeling any desire for him to be something more or less. To me, this is love. True love. Even if just for a moment. 

And that’s both the exquisite beauty and heart-wrenching challenge of loving without attachment; for, as with everything in life, there is no certainty as to how long it will be with you. For me, it will continue to be an ongoing lesson in surrender. Trusting the notion that; if it comes to me – I will welcome it with open arms. And similarly, if it goes from me – I will willingly let it. Forgetting the dependency that instinctively tells me to attach myself (and hold on tightly) to a person or feeling for fear that it will one day flee without return. 

Although it proves to generate somewhat difficult goodbyes, this outlook on relationships has brought a incomprehensible amount of abundance and freedom to my life. Allowing me to care for others without discrimination, love without condition, and give everything I have without an ounce of expectation. It has become a practice in relying on nobody but myself for my own happiness, yet relishing in the unexpected bliss of having someone come out of nowhere and set my soul on fire. Pure magic!

With the prospect of a final divorce in my very near future, I’m choosing to look at my love life with fresh baby blues; I’ve truly been gifted a second chance. And I truly believe that, as I aspire to share my heart with the rest of the world, I will continue to be graced more amazing humans with whom to share more unforgettable experiences. I’m recognizing and never failing to see the blessing in every moment of pleasure that is and was. And allowing endless, inexplainable gratitude to wash throughout my body whenever I need a reminder as to how fortunate I am to have been cared for by people I respect so fully. 

To me, a love without attachment means feeling comfort in knowing that – once the universe has brought these people into my life, I will never have to know what it feels like to live without them again. It’s not about feeling sad that it’s over. Instead, it’s about recognizing that every time I feel to . . . I can close my eyes, fall in love, and stay there. 

I accept love. 

I believe in love. 

I spread love   

I am love.